Four deep questions if you're on the fence about having kids

To have children or to not have children? This question seems heavier and more important, as the political and economic climate becomes increasingly difficult to navigate. It seems impossible to know the right answer, oscillating between your choices. Perhaps you want kids but your partner is unsure, or the opposite is true. Maybe you’re feeling the increasing pressure from relatives, loved ones, and even time itself. All of your apprehension is valid. Having kids can be a scary step and a super important role to take on.

Here are some questions if you want to dive deeper into your feelings surrounding your readiness for parenthood:

1. Am I ready to look inward to address my issues/traumas/habits so that I can provide a stable and regulated environment for my child?

I believe this is the number one most important question for many different reasons, the most obvious being that your child deserves you at your most capable.

They deserve a version of you who can easily give grace. It’s vital that we understand it is our sole responsibility to create our child’s home; we are the safe space they rely on to guide them through life.

In my own experience, I often looked inward to my moral compass to guide me, not relying on my parents to teach me the skills I needed. When I decided to become a mother, I knew that I could no longer hide behind my hyper-independence and instead took a path to vulnerability, introspection, and patience. All of these paths have given me the ability to keep my child’s perspective at the forefront. To understand and meet him where he is at. To pivot and provide so that he is learning, growing, and most importantly - finding joy.

These paths may look different for you. They may mean becoming more secure in your partnership, or they may mean offering forgiveness in places that are still hurting you. Whatever they are, I urge you to explore them and identify them so that you may begin that work; your child and your parenthood will be better for it.

2. Do I have a support system? If not, am I ready to engage and create the “village” I would like to be a part of? 

The proverbial “It takes a village”. We’ve all heard it, and as a mom, I can say it’s true. We are not meant to raise our babies alone, especially these days when the pace is faster, the grind rougher and the work never-ending.

It is impossible to accomplish all that needs to be done in a day, give 100% attention to your little one, pursue hobbies and passions, or just relax. This is where your village is integral.

Villages can be a lot of different things. For our family it looks like

• grandparents coming to give us respite

• friends watching over so we can attend appointments

• fellow moms checking in when they know our boy is sick or bringing us a cup of coffee when we’re in the weeds.

These beautiful and kind souls have given us a sense of normalcy in our parenthood, and we do all we can to return the favor to the other parents in our lives.

Occasionally, we drop off coffee or flowers for a mom who feels like she’s been struggling, we invite parents over so our kids can play together, and we share resources as we find them.

Community relies on mutual engagement; it relies on an “all hands on deck” approach. We love and care for each other, and that extends to our friends' kids, our nieces and nephews, and the parents at the airport whose baby is teething and won’t be soothed.

Look at the people in your life, who are you going to:

• for support at the 2 am feeds?

• when you need to vent about your child’s temper tantrum?

• when you need someone to come watch your child at the last minute?

Maybe you don’t have them in your life yet, but that’s okay, you just need to start seeking them out. Find communities with folks who share your ideologies and perceive parenthood life, and partnership the same way you do. Find and nurture new relationships. Parenthood is really hard, even with the most supportive partner (not a thing everyone has!), you do NOT have to do it alone, but you do have to do the work to make sure you’re not alone. 

3. Am I on a path to financial wellness and work/life balance?

   
   

This point will seem a little obvious to most.

The thing I hear most from people who are planning the next stage of life is that they want to be in a comfortable financial situation, which is understandable. Having a baby is expensive, and that expense grows with them. If you’re not in a field that offers benefits, ensuring that you have health care is vital. Ensuring that you can afford the cost of prenatal care, the cost of delivery (all of which is grossly expensive, but that’s a different topic for a different time), the cost of keeping your baby fed if you choose not to or are unable to breastfeed, the cost of diapers and wipes and these are all just essentials.

As they get older, the emotional cost of having a child and maintaining a career can be steep. Daycare is expensive, as are nannies. With more and more companies returning to the office, the days of remote work and present parents are sadly dwindling. Even with my flexible job, we cannot afford for me to stay home full time, and thus, our son is starting preschool soon.

If you’re not on that path yet, don't let it deter you. Make a new path and keep moving towards a fulfilling life.

What makes your career feel insecure? Are you unhappy? Is it too stressful, are the hours too long, or unfulfilling?

These are all things that can be changed. Over time, you’ll notice a hidden mantra of mine - the power of the pivot. It’s a golden rule I’ve lived my life by, and now I parent by it: the ability to look inwards and understand deeply that something isn’t for you, switch gears, and make a change is an incredible skill that will take you towards happiness. 

4. Am I comfortable with change? 

This is a BIG one, make sure you’re sitting down.

When you have a child - everything changes. I mean: literally. If you’re the child-bearing parent, your body will undergo a radical transformation and even if you have the smoothest labor, you will experience a medical trauma that is only explainable to those who have experienced it themselves.

When you bring your baby into your home, the air will change and it will keep changing. Your relationship with your peers, your pets, your parents, all that? Changed.

For the first year of my son’s life, my once beloved pets became my biggest pet peeves. If you’re a rigid person, one who thrives on routine and structure and organization, I plead to you to take a look at the root of those tendencies. Children require a little chaos, a little mess, and a lot of grace. That being said, things return, I love my pets again; our son is now old enough to start helping clean up his messes, and he does! There are plenty of people who maintain their old aesthetics and organization with children. I believe that my home is my child’s as well, and we have taken steps to make it not only child-friendly but also child-centric, which honestly makes the chaos feel more intentional (at least to me; my partner might have other thoughts).

Parenthood is a big, important role that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Kids deserve the best version of the adults they are given. We are their models for how to exist in this world, we are the people they look to for safety and we cannot betray that trust by not putting in the work on ourselves.